About all those times I voted the (Republican) party line…

I grew up in a staunchly conservative family, where the side dishes served at every Thanksgiving included sweet potato pie, cranberry sauce, and a heaping pile of rhetoric. The only thing surer than love found in my grandparents’ home was the blaring voice of Rush Limbaugh over public radio. As we grow up, we are shaped by the words and experiences around us. “The Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” The values we hear and see from those closest to us get woven into the fiber of who we are, and the way we think. 

I was always taught to be kind. And to work hard. There were many, many great traits that my upbringing instilled in me. But there were also a number of things I’ve had to spend years proactively un-weaving.

I consider myself now a recovering conservative. Somehow, I made it through four years of college and three years working in journalism as a card-carrying member of the Republican party. Maybe this was because I was warned of the unlearning I would likely encounter in our liberal system of higher education, and at the “Liberal Rag” where I found my first job out of college. So I was prepared, and I fought it.

Though I generally have always considered myself “socially liberal, fiscally conservative,” for many years I’ve aligned with the party most likely to oppress me and many of those that I love. I’ve been in many social situations where the N-word or the word F-g were tossed around, flippantly as part of a joke or just every day discussion. Ashamedly, I cannot recall one time that I stood up to this kind of language in my youth or young adulthood.

But I began challenging my own mindset around the time my son was born almost 9 years ago. Becoming a mother opened me up to a new kind of love and empathy that I’m not sure I would have discovered on my own. (Maybe I would have, as I’ve seen many of my conservative, childless friends experience a similar evolution… but for me, this is my truth and my babies were my catalyst.) And I’m not saying that Republicans don’t have empathy, but I am saying that I myself lacked this type of empathy – and I believe that was learned.

My children brought me into a beautiful, diverse “mom group” who challenged my narrow way of thinking. I was exposed to 100 women, who have become my close friends, whose diversity and experiences upended my small view of the world. And since becoming a mother, I have watched as other mother’s babies have been gunned down in their classrooms. Or while out for a jog. Or while sleeping in their own bedrooms. I often get overwhelmed knowing the pain and anger I would feel if that were MY child. 

My children’s purity of heart, seeing every color of the rainbow and loving each color all the same, is a trait of their untarnished minds that I admire. They have friends of all colors, male friends who wear pink sparkles, female friends who prefer dirt and grime to Barbie dolls. They see the differences to cultural norms, but somehow the differences don’t matter. I am sure I had this mindset as a child, too. But somewhere along the way, this became lost in me.

Everyone is someone’s baby. Everyone deserves love. Everyone deserves an equal chance.

I grew up in an affluent, small town in Maine that was 99.9% white. Having faced adversity at a young age, being raised by a single mother and not-wealthy in that affluent town, made me think I understood minorities. That was the hook that I hung my conservative hat on for many years. Not every straight, white person has it easy, or has things handed to them. Yes, my upbringing was a struggle. And I’ve faced adversity even into adulthood when I was discriminated against for my age, or my gender, or the fact that I am a mom. 

But let’s be real – never have I felt my life was at risk. When my husband is pulled over, I do not have to fear for his life. I’ll never have to worry about a white woman calling the police on my son while he bird watches in the park. Or Neighborhood Watch shooting him down in the street because they had a gut instinct he had broken the law.

In opening my mind over these years, I’ve come to realize that my experiences are mine and the fact that someone else’s struggles are worse do not negate that I’ve faced challenges. I’ve come to learn that systemic racism has plagued our nation since it’s inception and every, single white person needs to not only acknowledge that fact but also take a stand against it. I’ve learned that fighting for the rights of a minority group does not take away from mine – equality is not a pie.

I’m not writing this to be a voice in this movement. I am writing this as a plea for others who are or were like me to listen. Listen to the oppressed and their cries for help and support. Listen to people of color who are fighting not just for their rights, but for their lives. It is a fight you have never had to face. And once you have listened- and I mean truly listened – I know you will feel compelled to act.

I can’t stomach watching the George Floyd video. Which I realize in and of itself is me exercising my white privilege – because I have the option to look the other way. I will watch it when I feel I can mentally withstand it. But what I do know is that George Floyd called out for his mama with his last breath, and this is me hearing that call. I will stand up against racism. I vow to be an ally, to be an anti-racist. I won’t get it right every time, but I will strive to educate myself and be open when someone calls me out on my privilege or my ignorance. 

This movement against racism is going to challenge many of us and the belief system that has been instilled within us for years. Be open to that challenge, because this is beyond politics. It does not matter where on the political spectrum you sit. Your political affiliation does not need to define you in every way. Don’t just vote the party line for the sake of the party. It’s okay to uncouple yourself from all – or even just some – of your political party’s tendencies. Racism is a great place to start that uncoupling. (And if you’re looking for more opportunity, try heterosexism and misogyny next.)

Black Lives Matter. Be a kind human. Be on the right side of history. Black Lives Matter.

*Featured image above from the New York Times.